Where do I start, BPD.. well as you know that's my diagnoses and that's why my life has been one big shit storm!, I mean when I think back of all fuck up's starting with at the very beginning as in my child-hood, which was spent moving from place to place as my father was always looking for something that did not exist!...so school was not a place I wanted to be as I felt I never really fitted in, as I was always the new kid!.. that's why I probably left school with no qualifications, and got engaged at 15 and married for the first time when I was 18, don't get me wrong, he was probably the most decent, normal guy I was to ever encounter but hell he was decent and normal! and not dysfunctional enough for me! as he came from a decent family! so he had to go! and then of course there were other fleeting romances in between,with other dysfunctional men, then I meet the father of my daughter on an oil-rig you may know the story his helicopter stopped on the oil-rig I was working on, for about 45 mins and he asked me to go on holiday with him to Greece', I didn't know him from fooking Adam and of course I agreed! who the fook does that? he turned out to be a wrong un, who came from a family of shoplifters, and insurance scammers, and his best mate was only a get away driver for heists, no knifes under his seat just a sawed of shot gun .. I had a relationship with him, fell pregnant, bought a house with my money!, then he threw myself and my daughter out, then had the fooking cheek to drag me through the courts for access, but only when he was out of work so he could get legal aid to pay for it FXCK OFF!
I told you I do attract them! then of course there was Agent of Chaos who you all know!, who I met whilst working as a stripper, ha! and as you know you meet every lowlife there is at the strip joints, never a dull moment, .. and they are all hustling something or other, a lot of them are looking for girls for their X rated movies, I never did, although I did do some men's magazines ...yep! it was all very eclectic, from drugs to stolen cars even MOTS, you could even get your car torched for £50..every bodies selling!, and nobody has credit cards its all cash! mind you it was the 80's..... I was a maniac, a loose canon, I had no fear I would drive around the countryside going from gig to gig returning home at 4-5 in the morning with a huge kitchen knife under my car seat, and I would of used it too, I remember one night I broke down just out side the city, and about 6 guys stopped and said they would help me, but they would have to tow my car to their farm I freaking went! and there for the grace of God they did no rape me! and actually fixed the car, the risks I took were insane, and the speed I drove it was reckless, it was as If I had a death wish! no fear!. And I was no stranger to the odd bit of kleptomania I did't need to steal but like the fast driving it gave me that Adrenalin rush...
Then as you know I took one of the biggest risks of my life and married Agent of Chaos even though he had subjected me to heinous abuse well before the marriage, I still went ahead and endured over 20 years of abuse at his hands, it's what I knew, and deep down I believed It was what I deserved ! and being with him lead to lots of destructive behaviour such as high levels of drug taking, I managed to get away from him and although I said in the book, I did meet someone else, but on reflection if I'm truly honest he was pretty dysfunctional as well, with a huge binge drink problem, as that relationship was clouded with high levels of the three D's drink drugs and drama, oh! I nearly forgot the sex, don't get me wrong I don't have an addiction for sex but I would do it in some really risque places, planes train's elevator's and lay-by's, the list goes on, going out with him also entailed me being stalked for a whole year by this his ex girlfriend then if that was not bad enough she had me detained at the airport, whilst on my way to France for supposed cocaine trafficking all fictitious of course!. Then I attract Captain Creepy to whom I meet on a dating website and agree to marry in Vegas #Dirty John style.. I must of been fooking wired to the moon! who can endure all that , and come out the other end sane? and believe you me I've left some bits out!... but this is what the life of some one with BPD looks like and it's not very pretty is it?? and I'm not done there's the aftermath of it all, the anger, holy shit my temper after all that insanity can you imagine! If someone looked at me the wrong way I was on them like a ton of bricks I've been thrown out of places, I've gone head to head with people in supermarkets, gone up one way streets not knowingly of course!, but lost my shit with anyone he wanted to confront me about it, fallen out with neighbours fallen out with friends, and if anyone wants to fuxck with me I would go above and beyond to bury them! ... sometimes I even scared myself because I would justify it and say well they were fooking assholes they deserved it!...that's another thing about BPD we are very good at mirroring people, so if you are an ass hole we will be an ass hole back to you! see how I'm justifying it ha! ha! ha!
You know its not all bad there are positives to having BPD, It gives you great empathy, because you know what it is to suffer, and those that are suffering know you feel their pain!. It also makes you very perceptive, this is because people with BPD are good at reading body language it's our freaking forte facial expressions and mood changes, we are like FBI Pro filers ha! as we can see through people at the drop of a hat, the bullshitters, the hypocrites, the fraudsters, yep! that's because we have met them all!, this can be a blessing and a curse, because people are threatened by you! #strong sense of right and wrong!
Let me see what other super powers do we have ha! Oh! yeah, we are very creative, poets, writers, musicians, artists, actors, the list is endless I think we use our art to channel our feelings into because sometimes the pain of BPD is just to overwhelming!, and its our only form of expression, basically what we are saying is "hey world I refuse to stay silent any more, I refuse to be this victim of my circumstances, and for the record is there anyone else out there that feels the same way? and if you do just holla"and maybe, just maybe you can inspire someone else! We also have the ability to love hard, as-well, but because of all our insecurities, it takes us a bit longer to feel safe enough too, but when we do we are fiercely loyal. we also possess a great willingness to please, yet again a blessing and a curse as some people will take advantage, we are also great at seeing the beauty in the world, this comes with being naturally sensitive, and of course vibrating at a different level than most, again a blessing and a curse! this is why we must practice healthy boundaries so no one takes advantage!. I've also noticed, that most People with BPD have a great sense of humour this is because that most things have happened to these people so you just gotta laugh! I suppose for most its a coping mechanism, well for me it certainly has been for me over the years. And finally it has to be reliance, we are fooking more resilient than we think! having been through so much because not only do we endure all the BPD symptoms, we also have to endure all the added shit of regular life on top of that, so that makes us natural warriors, refusing to let BPD define us....
I STILL GET VERY HIGH AND LOW IN LIFE, DAILY, BUT IV'E
FINALLY ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT SENSITIVE IS JUST
HOW I WAS MADE, THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE IT AND I
DON'T HAVE TO FIX IT. I'M NOT BROKEN.....
- GLENNON DOYLE MELTON..
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