"Narcissistic Father"

 You know in amongst this shit storm of  life that I had, my father decides to to die.. yep he decided, fook he even controlled that, well saying that he killed himself with drinking and smoking, apparently he took cancer of the throat and therefore he could not eat and starved to death! hows about that! you know I've never really spoken about him or his death, and I've really never grieved for him either!! isn't that bizarre, Ironic really cause I used to think my dad was wonderful as a child, with his private school education, his smart suits and flash cars and of course I recall all the fancy restaurants he used to take me to!, mind you my mum was never there as she was probably to busy working to pay for it!
See my dad had brains coming out of his backside, when he left school with all his qualifications he joined the Navy as an Officer, but he didn't want to be a fooking officer he wanted to be a killock with the rest of the boys, so he made sure he got demoted! freaking hell self sabotage or wot? I guess that's where I get that trait! of course it was always my mother that had to suffer because he would get these fantastic jobs and why wouldn't he the man was an fooking academic genius, I mean who has Latin as a second language!but he would always trade them in for shit paying ones and we lived our life on the bread line!

After the Navy came the Police force another good Job, No! not for him he wanted to be a car sales man, why? because your office is the Pub! and you get to put your swag on! wear flashy suits and drive fast cars while enticing fast women! while my mother scraped by working in nicker factories! and I was farmed out to all sundry and when I got about to about 10 I kinda looked after myself as I became at latch key kid ... then he would get fed up and decide we were moving OMFG we were always moving, and the properties got worse and worse, roofs caving in, staircases so unsafe you had to jump down many steps so that you didn't fall through the rotten timber O! my days!...   I remember once he got offered a job In south Africa with the police force, and we packed everything up and sold what what we couldn't take, and at the last moment he said sack this off! were not going, and believe you me, this happened more than once we we always in a constant sate of high alert and chaos with this mother fxcker, no wonder my mother is also emotionally unstable, of course she would never ever admit it! as her favourite place is in Egypt, they call it AKA The Nile # denial.

The jobs he had were endless he could get them no problem, but he just couldn't keep them! "nobody understands me!" he would say! that's cause you don't hang around long enough so people can make bonds with you, fooker! cause your always to busy trying to get your next drink! ... Officer in charge at a boys borstal, and he fooked that up, cause he allowed one of the inmates to come home and of course have a glass of wine with his dinner, not permitted! and he didn't like being told, so he left  nobody understands me syndrome again ha!  No! you fooking plonker you have no healthy boundaries, and because everyone followed your lead!, no one else in the family unit had any boundaries either!, another inherited trait! and then he went from there to become an Officer In Charge of a children's home, he didn't like that either it was too normal, So he had to get back to wearing a flash suit, and selling flash cars, and cavorting with fast women, whilst propping up the bar! so you see it isn't any wonder I went on to attract men just like him, because he was my idol, and I thought he was wonderful and all he ever really did was let us all down whilst feeding his own over inflated fooking ego!
Saying that he did not spend his last day's as a car sales man oh! no! he got a job as the editor of a newspaper, until he had an affair with the woman that did the advertising and of course that went tits up, she left her husband he drank himself to death, apparently he got so drunk he fell down the stairs and broke his neck, they of course shacked up together where he did freelance journalism, well when he was sober enough I guess and they both drunk themselves into an early grave .. AMEN!     

     
So when he died I did not know what to feel cause lets just say I was comfortably numb, In fact I did not even want to go to his funeral! why would I, my father turned his back on me years ago and I suppose I got used to it, so upon his death there was nothing left to say or do, cause technically I had said goodbye to him many years prior to this, when I smacked his face and told him to fook off with his fancy woman, as I heard him speaking to her on the extension phone in the house and he was saying "the heater in my car is really good don't wear any nickers!" Dear Lord! that was my father to the end #Casanova Of course my mother was distraught, for years and even blamed me! for sending him on his merry way, she was like" he would still be with me if it was not for you!" "are you having a laugh mother! you were with him for over 30 years and he's slept with hundreds of women, and completely abused you!" "No he didn't he has never laid a finger on me, he's too lazy to do that!"
And that is old school for you! they think because you don't get physically beaten, then it's not abuse, they don't understand emotional abuse as in coercive and controlling behaviour, she has no idea that she has just been abused for the past 30 years and that her life was completely fooked cause she's now in her 60's and he has taken the best years of her life, and she is destitute and homeless, ring any bells #history repeating itself! ....and with that she tried to hang her-self after talking to the Samaritans, yep! she called them up and the guy on the other end was a recovering alcoholic and I do believe he was in keeping with the grim reaper, as he went on to tell her that, he had everything, a successful business, a lovely home, a beautiful wife, and 3 beautiful children, and of course he drank everyday for about 20 years until he woke up one day and the wife and the children had gone so had the business along with his home, and he was left all alone sleeping in the streets, of course with that kind of emotional support, if you want to call it that! she decided to end it all, thank god the rope broke, but the thing was so did she, mind you she had always been broken cause that's why she attracted a man like my father in the first place!




" A MAN'S SUCCESS IS MEASURED BY WHAT HIS FAMILY 
  AND CHILDREN SAY ABOUT HIM.
  MONEY AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS MEAN NOTHING
  IF YOU LET YOUR HOME FAIL"