"I'm Not Broken"

There's a war inside my head sometimes I wish that I was dead, I'm broken
So I call the therapist she said, "Girl you can't be fixed just take this"

I'm tired of trying to be normal
I'm always overthinking
I'm driving myself crazy
So what if I'm fxcking crazy

I don't need your quick-fix
I don't want your prescriptions
Just cause you say I'm crazy
So wot if I'm fxcking crazy"

Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath,
Yeah I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you!
Mental out of my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah I'm gonna show you!

I'm gonna show you!

I've been searching city streets, trying to find
the missing piece like you said!
And I say child don't need to find
There's not a single thing that's wrong with
my mind!

I'm tired of trying to be normal
I'm always overthinking
I'm driving myself crazy
So what if I'm fxcking crazzzzzzzy

- Bebe Rexha

When your in that world of craziness, and yes the above was very much my world! you develop a very skewed perception/disturbed pattern of thinking, almost like your living in a parallel universe where everything seems distorted cause nothing appears to be real, and that's when you start acting without thinking, or speaking with out a filter, ha! dangerous! that's one thing about, having BPD, you can always be counted on to tell it how it fooking is! not a lot of people can handle that! it's an acquired taste lol! I mean I couldn't help it if, I felt like I wanted to shoot people, then turn the gun on myself I mean who doesn't daydream about doing that or is that just me! But, only ass -holes of course I have a real hard-on for them! ha! you see I'm a expert at mirroring people if your, nice to me, I'll be nice to you if you ignore me treat or speak to me like shit, Then I will be an even bigger shit back to you! it's simple! and then that behaviour manifests itself into something called splitting, It's a defence mechanism, known to people with BPD because we see the world in black and white- all or nothing, no fooking in between, or no now and then, ha!  it helps us discard the good from the bad , for instance some one will be either Good Bad Or Evil, there is no middle ground, I think I spoke about another trait us borderlines have, I like to call it a super power, as we can read micro expressions on peoples faces, I do it all the time some times not always for the good because it can be hurtful, I can pin point exactly what that person is thinking, and the reason we are so good at doing this is because we have used this technique, so many times because of living our lives in survival mode/trauma, and then it just becomes the norm, so we carry on doing it to make sure we are in control and predict our environment, interesting stuff eh!!  I have had many a run in with people that are not genuine in their actions, and I take no freaking prisoners, I will even be so bold to give you a real  example...well as you know we are on lock-down right now, and I live next door to a fooking ass-hole!, she has been an ass-hole from the day she moved in, but more so now cause your stuck in all the time! you see initially, she bought the house as an investment, and rented it out while she stayed with her boyfriend, to a young Polish Couple and they were lovely, had a couple of french bulldogs, and they never bothered you! apart from the dogs used to pish all over my grass and burn it with the acid from their urine, but I liked them, and the dogs so it was not an issue!

Then one day I came home and they were gone, as the bitch that owned the property  had fallen out with her so called boyfriend, and needed the property back so she turfed them out OMFG I've never really ever said this out loud but that got right on my fxking tits, well for one you cant just throw someone out of a house on a whim, and two has she never fooking heard of contract law, I was so fxcking pissed because she had now shown herself in her true colours and I read her like book, I mean come on she took advantage cause they were young and not from this country so in my eyes she discounted them! so to me she was Bad and then showed me more bad behaviour, as she made a remark about the way I parked my car, so she likes to throw her authority around does she! so I Did what I do best wrote her a fooking letter, then like any bully she backtracked, because I had challenged her! (my therapist told me, people get shitty with me because I do have a habit of challenging them, and calling them out on their bad behaviour, ha! ha!) any-hoo! she moved in some undesirable, and to top it off he is schizophrenic you couldn't make this shit up could you! and all of a sudden she's walking about puffing out her chest and getting him to threaten me! fooking coward!  Never a dull moment on my watch! luckily one of the threats was corroborated by some one so it's now in the hands of the police happy fooking day's! mind you I could be dead by the time they get around to dealing with it! so I have opted to sleep with my rolling pin ha!... You see I knew she was trouble from the get go, and then I have this neighbour on the over side of me, who I knew was always a little flaky but, holy shit, this fooker must have shit loads of splinters in her ass from sitting on the fence, what's wrong with people, if I seen some one getting ill treated, I would not wade in all fooking size 9's obviously!, well maybe I would! but that's because I have the courage of my convictions! and I like to think I would do the right thing at all times cause I consider my self decent, hot headed but decent! Or, I would at least empathise with what their going through, but not sit on the fence all fooking passive aggressive! wanting to know every detail like she was watching a soap opera, it's that age old saying eh! as long as it's not happening to them! cause if it was we would hear them from the fooking tops!

And, while I'm on a roll,  I am gonna go on the record here and tell you what else I suffer with and I bet no one would ever think this of me, because people always remark on how glamorous I am, poor self image OMFG I can not stand to look in the mirror a lot of the time I mean it has got better over the years but holy shit it was pretty debilitating for a long time, I think that's why I had an obsession with plastic surgery, I thought if i could just fix this and just fix that people would accept me, none of it's true obviously as the only person that needs to accept you is yourself fuxck everyone else!self acceptance is the only thing any one requires when they are in crisis about who they are! and that brings me to my next issue self identity, and this is because people with BPD have a very profound lack of self, for most of the time they just feel empty, or worthless, and that's why they resort to things like drink drugs or overeating just so they at least feel something even if it is momentarily ...

I think that's why I was so proud of myself for writing and publishing my book Bankrupt Coked up & Fxcked up because I had never really seen anything through to the end before, Don't get me wrong I had businesses, but the men in my life always fooked them up, so I never really got a chance to shine not properly as I was always overshadowed by them! So believe it or not, that was probably one of my biggest achievements, in life! so I guess I'm not such a fxck up, and worthless failure after all, and if there is anyone reading this, I hope I can inspire you to do the same, cause if I can write a book any one can, ha! in fact you can do anything you set your mind to do, it's a simple as that!   

So as I come to a close I reflect on my behaviour being some what,erratic, confusing and pretty daunting sometimes,because being me was really difficult!, as I could experience every fooking emotion you could ever have in the spate of an hour, very similar to Bi-polar, but a lot faster, ha! and that;s why I can not handle being around people with high levels of negativity, #toxic I simply can't for my own sanity,  you see I am not that woman in the song at the beginning of my post, don't get me wrong I was all of the above, past tense, that's why I can not afford to go back to that dark place, where I lash out with fury and vitriol, and that is why a house move is at the top of my vision board ha!, Oh yes I have a vision board because with out vision we are nothing! one must never lose their vision for life!
And that's why as part of my recovery, I had to to a lot of soul searching, so that I could find some order to my life, and that's when I trained as a Reiki practitioner, and took a Transcendental meditation course, then I did a Law Of Attraction life coach course, along with the Mental first aid course for kids and adults.. It's all been very therapeutic because let's face it no one wants to be taking synthetic medication, its far better to opt for a more serene sedate life even if it is boring! saying that if I had carried on with toxic life I probably would of been dead, so boring it shall have to be!       



I STILL GET VERY HIGH & LOW IN LIFE.
BUT I'VE FINALLY ACCEPTED THE FACT
THAT SENSITIVE IS JUST HOW I WAS
MADE, THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE IT
AND I DON'T HAVE TO FIX IT!
I'M NOT BROKEN.

- GLENNON DOYLE MELTON