Disassociation Is the minds way of helping you cope with too much stress, and traumatic events, when this happens you will be disconnected from your thoughts, surroundings, memories, feelings, it affects your sense of identity, and your perception of time. Some symptoms are as follows...
#Amnesia/memory loss,
# Identity confusion/no sense of oneself.
#Derealisation disconnected from everyone and every thing
#Depersonalisation disconnected from your own body....
This leads me to many events that have happened throughout my life ha! ha! I kid you not I can't even remember half the fuxcked up shit or the drugs that I did, along the way, saying that some of it is coming back to me in pieces, you see the thing is with dissociation, is it's like watching your life as if it was all being played out in a movie, and your on the outside looking in, very hallucinogenic! like a bad trip well in my case it was ......
As I said I have been sober for over three years now, and I haven't tried to kill myself Either, I gave up on that, cause knowing my luck I would fuck that up too and live out the rest of my life in vegetated state! besides I never really ever wanted to kill myself, nobody does, you just want the pain to go away! you want to stop feeling things don't you? So kudos to me!
But this has not always been the case fxck no I have tried pretty much every drug there was going apart meth and heroin, you see I would take just about anything, not to have to feel or deal with my fooking emotions yeah fuxck that! especially when your wired to the moon!
I remember, my law exam which I flunked, that's cause I decided to take ADHD medication WTAF take these they said it will help you concentrate, I was bouncing of the ceiling then of course I needed something to take me down, so then I threw a load of Valium down my neck, (but my preference was Xanax bought on the dark web or the street) mix it with after exam drinks and boom your in another dimension, I was walking into glass windows thinking I could walk through them with trays of drinks, people were slipping on the wet floor apparently which looked like a rugby scrum ha! so one of my learned friends put me on the train home, I missed my stop had to wait and get another train back, and when I got of the train I was still so fxcked I had to sleep in my car at the train station..
Then there was the time I was working as a stripper and some one gave me a bag of speed because I had a long drive home and it was like 3am in the morning and I could barely keep my eyes open, so I stopped at the side of the road and took a few lines well holy fook I must of drove round and round in a circle for freaking hours getting no where, pardon the pun but it was with great Speed!....
Or the time I made hash cakes for a certain someones birthday party and one of the party goers was rather greedy and ate the lions share, he of course ended up in Hospital cause he was trapped on his space ship and couldn't get off, and myself well the 10 minute car journey home, took about two hours, again thank god the roads were quiet, and no I'm not proud about driving under the influence but as I said I was disassoiciated from everything and everyone! that's what happens when your so fooking traumatised ..
I would take Coke, to to the school run cause, I knew everyone was looking and staring at me! and laughing at my sad pathetic life #paranoia I even took it to go the gym, it's a wonder I didn't have heart attack, I took it when ever I could just so I would not have to feel anything, I hated myself In fact I was so full of self loathing, uppers downers, slimming tablets that were amphetamine based, and the one you inject into yourself, anything just so I was comfortably numb!
I almost forgot! there was one drug some one gave me that I took duh! it had to be the worst shit ever #Ecstasy, damn, that's nasty stuff I actually liked people Ew! It was a really fooking weird trip that one, ha! may be that's why I only did it the once ha!
At one point I even thought about becoming a drug dealer and daydreamed about the life style I would have doing so, glamorising, it in my fuxcked up mind!I even had a contact that went by the name of Andy, I can of course say his name because he's dead now! God rest his soul, he used to say "Andy Pandy Sugar And Candy" and he was right drugs to me were indeed like candy ...but when he died I guess that was a sign ha! that I had to rethink my career options!
My life was a shit storm, there was noting, that I had not done or experienced, fook me if I were to die tomorrow, they could write on my gravestone , "Here lies that crazy bitch that, that did everything crazy! she was so crazy she did all crazy things multiple times, cause she thought the out come would always be different!" It was like I was on a the crazy run away train, and not just as a passenger! lets just say I couldn't get off, I told you BPD is like Bi Polar but just faster! I was this cat with nine lives, the risks I took the scams I pulled, #My Crazy Ex Girlfriend on #Netflix looks like a freaking fairy tale next to my life It is a fooking miracle that I'm still alive. I mean I knew how to be good, sometimes, and I defo knew how to be bad, But, for some reason I did not know how to be anything in between! and that's why I had to go back to the very beginning and learn all the basic stuff all over again, and that's basically where I am today, is learning, how to like and love myself! because that was lacking from my life, and everyone needs that cause if you don't like or love yourself how do you expect anyone else too! you see chaos was all I had ever known, as it distracted me from the emotional turmoil I was living in, that's why I engaged in all that fooked up behaviour the drug taking, the scheming, the scamming, the shoplifting, the poor choices in men, the suicide attempts, the bingeing the purging, getting locked up, fook the list in endless, but I did all that to escape from my intense negative emotions, that I was feeling, but in doing so I attracted, the thing that was my demise CHAOS!
So as part of the healing process I had to deal with the crippling shame of all the things I had done but then again we all have things lurking about in out pasts that we are ashamed of! it's just that, I feel the need to purge myself of my shame, so that I can go on to the next chapter of my life, cause I'll be dammed if I am carrying, any unnecessary, unhealthy emotions, with me to the next phase, you see this is me validating my trauma and all the other shit that goes with it,, I am not going to internalising my pain any longer and allow it to manifest itself in more chaos! hell no! that's me stopping the run away train, as it's time for me to get off! and so what if I have had some verbal spats along the way with some crazy mofo's, that piss me off ! ha! cause that's me just confronting my emotions, I didn't, do anything crazy in return, I just distanced myself from their negativity, and kept it moving, cause their problems are not my problems! I''m working on me! I am not here to save them!, or make excuses for them, that ship has sailed and I will not be pulled into their fooking drama! Even though "I am the Queen of Drama!" ("OK they can have my crown ha!")
"WHY YOU LIKE TOXIC MEN
AND WHY GOOD MEN FEEL "LIKE VANILLA" TO YOU!
Maybe you were raised in a home where you were emotionally neglected.
This can make you a people pleaser and an attention seeker.
Men who are too nice to you and truly want to love you feel "Vanilla"
They Bore you so reject them, as not enough.
Instead you're attracted to emotionally unavailable men, who you
"Perform" and/or audition for in order to secure their affection & attention.
-@lovingmeafterwe
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