Spiralling

You know once a Person with BPD Is upset, it's almost impossible to calm them down like a rational person, and the things that will come out of there mouth, will cut you to the very core, I even frighten myself sometimes! and don't get me going about their their actions as they are very unpredictable and sometimes very dangerous, resulting in turmoil and chaos in their relationships with other people.
Saying that as time as gone on I am getting better at keeping my shit together, kinda! it could possibly be the mediation, that's helping as its deffo not the drugs as I'm not on any, and I do feel that I'm not spiralling, the same as I used to, and I can say that by the amount of casualties ha!

Supermarket girl, she did piss me off when every time I tied to get passed her she planted herself in the middle of every fooking isle with her phone strapped to her freaking ear, then when I got to the checkout she so happened to be in front of me still on the phone and of course only using one fooking hand to put everything on the counter, then her screaming kid wanted chocolate so she pushed passed me still on the fooking phone, to get chocolate for screaming kid! then when the guy asked her for the money she threw it at him, well I lost my fooking shit! but I was a pure cunt about it I kept my voice  on the low down! ha! and of course she was screaming out of her! whilst I was lip syncing you are a fooking twat! and all kinds of other obscenities! ha! then of course the manager and security turned up, she was escorted out and I was given a bouquet of flowers loooool! omg! they so should not indulge me for being a cunt!, cause I'm trying so hard not to be! ha! The story didn't end there though cause two days later I bump into her again in the same supermarket, and she came up to me and apologised, and told me she had just found out she was pregnant and she was beside her self! and do you know what! it completely diffused the situation, and I told her I understood and we always say hello now to each other in the passing, probably just a swell cause she comes from this huge family that probably, would have had me disappear! ha!   

Car park man! OK so it was a one way system, and he went all the way round to get the parking slot, and I took the short cut well he was so fooking pissed off with me but I tell you what I was even more pissed off with him for daring to be pissed off with me! In his fooking Porsche! and I  jumped right out of my car ready and willing to take him on! but he sped off leaving the air blue! ha! he's just lucky I never jolted his car with mine yep I've done that in the past, but only because it was a tight squeeze to park my car obviously, so I like literally moved the car in front of me with the bumper of my car ha! Oh! my days! what was wrong with me! I mean don't get me wrong I've done far worse that that but I don't think I should  even write about it!!!


Clothes store woman cheeky bitch! I bent down to pick something up whilst standing in the Que waiting to pay and she barged right past me! so I fooking barged right past her!, she was with her grown up son by the looks of it, and then of course she launched into full dialogue with her waspy accent well I was having none of it, so I launched right back at her with my fooking ghetto accent, and and in no uncertain terms told her I was going to shove my rather large umbrella up her sanctimonious ass sideways, her son just stood there with his mouth wide open as if he were catching flies, probably traumatised for the rest of his life, ha! as he had just witnessed his mother being character assassinated by this mad woman ha!

Son's teacher and No! I did not call her a Cxnt! or words to that effect! but she did have a really bad habit of talking like a run away train! blah! blah! blah! blah! blah! that's what it sounded like to me! one word just merged into the next and she never drew breath or made any fooking sense well that was a huge trigger for me cause my brain already goes a million miles an hour, so I kinda just mimicked her back and said like literally, blah! blah!blah! blah! back to her loool! she didn't know what to say! and of course she never ever brought it up again, but saying that she did leave not long after it! I'm sure it had nothing to do with me though! ha!

 
I've been banned from places too! yep the sunbed shop being one of them ha! I waited in line to use the sunbeds and  it seemed like a fooking eternity! and for some reason the assistant kept letting people that were behind me, go in front of me, and of course I challenged her behaviour, and then told her to shove it! saying that it could of been a bit paranoia, but it didn't end there cause I reported the incident to her boss and he banned me for life, and told me never to come back! ha! so wot!, "I've been thrown out of better places"

Speaking of paranoia which can also be a trait of BPD like everyone is looking at you and talking about you! or possibly out to get you! which can make you somewhat reactive #poor impulse control! and this used to rear it's ugly head a lot when I used to go to the Doctors and I would be waiting for up to an hour to be seen and I used to take this very personally, as if they were doing it deliberately, but of course they weren't it's just that their system is shit! mind you after reading my Doctors notes turns out they were fooking speaking about me! well! I guess in doing so they were leaving everyone else alone, ha!

Which brings me to where I am currently present day Lock down #corona virus and it's kinda difficult to fall out with people but as you know,  I managed ha! which resulted in my grown arsed male neighbour threatening to batter me! and did I let him off with it, come on you know me by now! did I fook! nope! after he threatened me I shouted back at him "you know your bitch girlfriend that you've moved in with is only keeping you around to do all the work on her house for free! and once you've done it all, she'll kick you to the kerb, cause your names not on the house, and legally you have no rights! you dumb fook!" told you! ouch! very cutting!


Please take note I don't go looking for trouble, although, I am quick to react around negative people, and that's why I have had to learn to sit on my urges, and not act on impulse, or otherwise it will see me spiralling out of control, so I guess at this moment in time I am what is known as high functioning, as before I would have lost my shit and then felt like shit, and abused myself in some way, So technically I have not really fallen off the wagon for a while now!as the neighbour thing had been ongoing on a while, it's just that it recently came to a head! ha! so, I'm now a good girl! honestly I am... ha!

OMG I have to write about this I speak about myself spiralling, but as you know we are on lock down with the virus, and I have been looking out my window more so, and it overlooks a bus stop well I kid you not I see it all at that Bus Stop ! from drunks to drug deals and people getting on the bus with lawn mowers ha! and all kinds of shit! I could write a freaking book about wot goes on out their, but their is one guy in particular I've been studying as he reminds me of Captain Creepy, and he sits there everyday, waiting for someone then a young boy appears on his bike and hands him something then fooks off, as fast as he came, on his bike, so as the days wore on I was determined to find out wot it was he was handing him as I thought it was drugs, then today I got a better look and it is indeed money, very strange don't you think? is it for drugs? or is he blackmailing him? it's annoying me I want to know I'm now other thinking an obsessing about it!
On a lighter note though the funniest incident happened  yesterday, OK, so I seen these two boys standing there at the bus stop with their backs to me, and one of them starts crawling about on the floor fook knows wot he's doing, but wot ever he picks up he puts down on the sit and hes down their for a while then he emerges with wot appears to be a roll up cigarette, yep! as you guessed he was picking up dirty old cigarette butts off the floor, then he lights it and passes it to his mate, and I literally have to do a double take as he turns around, and you will not believe wot he has on! rubber gloves and some fook off, goggle /ski mask and yet here he is smoking this manky old makeshift cigarette made up of all the shit found on the floor it was so funny, you needed to see it ha!
So you see I'm not the only one spiralling, ha! these people have lost their shit! It's just that I'm aware of my failings, as I am indeed Woke!       

       
Knowing your own Darkness is the best method
for dealing with the Darkness of other people

- Carl Jung