Bankrupt Coked Up And Fxxked Up

There's a war inside my head sometimes I wish that I was dead, I'm broken So I call the therapist she said, "Girl you can't be fixed just take this" I'm tired of trying to be normal I'm always overthinking I'm driving myself crazy So what if I'm fxcking crazy I don't need your quick-fix I don't want your prescriptions Just cause you say I'm crazy So wot if I'm fxcking crazy" Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath, Yeah I'm gonna show you I'm gonna show you! Mental out of my brain, bad shit go insane Yeah I'm gonna show you! I'm gonna show you! I've been searching city streets, trying to find the missing piece like you said! And I say child don't need to find There's not a single thing that's wrong with my mind! I'm tired of trying to be normal I'm always overthinking I'm driving myself crazy So what if I'm fxcking crazzzzzzzy - Bebe Rexha When y...

I was going to make this an uplifting post as I was doing so well with my healing, but its just a funny old time especially with this pandemic that we are all subject to! I mean don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty insular kind a person these days anyway, what with living with my autistic younger son who, does not mix well with people due to his high levels of anxiety, and the fact that I myself, have retreated from the world in an attempt to work on my recovery, so Lock-down, In my house is not the new normal because it is fooking normal ha! So while everyone was running about terrified about catching the virus, I was shitting myself about another Virus, Yep, I heard it from my oldest son, Agent of Chaos is on the vulnerable list, hell yeah! he's only gone and got himself Hepatitis B, rife amongst prostitutes, now I cant imagine how he could of contracted that could you! But here's the thing Have I fooking got it? because it wouldn't be the first time, this dirty ...

Any Hoo!, In-between all my therapy and trying to fathom out what the fook went wrong with my life I was still trying to deal with the everyday grind! one of those things being the solicitor with regards to Capatain C as I said he was a pretty slimy kinda fooker you know the type, like a smiling assassin! and if of course he was running up my legal bill, no end! for this, that and other, probably even just for breathing, because as you know I had a 3.5 million divorce decree which he thought he was going to get his grubby mitts on, ha!...so I had to pay him a visit because I just got my wedding certificate back from Vegas cause captain creepy had only destroyed the original in an attempt to say we were not married, terrified I may lay some kind of claim to stinking cesspit of a home!! No worries there mate its all yours, fill your boots ...so I go and see him and give him the certificate and he presents me with huge bill for thousands including me getting locked up for that idiot ...

 You know in amongst this shit storm of  life that I had, my father decides to to die.. yep he decided, fook he even controlled that, well saying that he killed himself with drinking and smoking, apparently he took cancer of the throat and therefore he could not eat and starved to death! hows about that! you know I've never really spoken about him or his death, and I've really never grieved for him either!! isn't that bizarre, Ironic really cause I used to think my dad was wonderful as a child, with his private school education, his smart suits and flash cars and of course I recall all the fancy restaurants he used to take me to!, mind you my mum was never there as she was probably to busy working to pay for it! See my dad had brains coming out of his backside, when he left school with all his qualifications he joined the Navy as an Officer, but he didn't want to be a fooking officer he wanted to be a killock with the rest of the boys, so he made sure he got demoted! ...

Where do I start,  BPD.. well as you know that's my diagnoses and that's why my life has been one big shit storm!, I mean when I think back of all fuck up's starting with at the very beginning as in my child-hood, which was spent moving from place to place as my father was always looking for something that did not exist!...so school was not a place I wanted to be as I felt I never really fitted in, as I was always the new kid!.. that's why I probably left school with no qualifications, and got engaged at 15 and married for the first time when I was 18, don't get me wrong, he was probably the most decent, normal guy I was to ever encounter but hell he was decent and normal! and not dysfunctional enough for me! as he came from a decent family! so he had to go! and then of course there were other fleeting romances in between,with other dysfunctional men, then I meet the father of my daughter on an oil-rig you may know the story his helicopter stopped on the oil-rig I ...

CLUSTER-FXCK - a term  used when a multiple things have gone wrong ........ A bit like my life really, but having been referred to a therapist was about to change all that, don't get me wrong I kinda knew everything that had happened to me was not normal, and in a sense fantastical! as that rather ignorant Doctor stated, but I was actually going to get some validation on the matter and that was a crucial part of my healing process! ... So my appointment was made and along I went, my therapist was female, and she was very quiet, maybe too quiet but I suppose it does help, to make you a good listener as that qualities are key, when assisting people with mental health problems, I just went in, and sat down on the big leather chair  and I can honestly say it was like turning on a tap, and it all came flooding out every kind of emotion there was, that had built up for freaking years because lets face it not once had anyone ever asked me how I was doing! or how I was coping and...

As I said I was able to make that transition and myself and my son, moved to our new Home on the bus if you don't mind!, because by now I did not even own a car, I had always owned a car from the age of 18 and yet here I was with not even enough for my bus fare! I even had to borrow that from my mother... I thought things can only get better from here because they sure as hell cant't get any worse, famous last words ha! its me were talking about! So I settled in, enrolled my son at the local school, which was only a stone throw away from the house... I also registered with my local Doctors, to which I was never really away from as I said my nerves were shot and I was not sleeping particularity well, as I had visions of that two nutters I married coming to finish me off, #PTSD  I really thought things were going to get better over night, How wrong was I, mind you this never happened over night and It was not going to go away over night! How do you undo all the abuse trauma ...