"Cluster fxck"

CLUSTER-FXCK - a term  used when a multiple things have gone wrong ........

A bit like my life really, but having been referred to a therapist was about to change all that, don't get me wrong I kinda knew everything that had happened to me was not normal, and in a sense fantastical! as that rather ignorant Doctor stated, but I was actually going to get some validation on the matter and that was a crucial part of my healing process! ...

So my appointment was made and along I went, my therapist was female, and she was very quiet, maybe too quiet but I suppose it does help, to make you a good listener as that qualities are key, when assisting people with mental health problems, I just went in, and sat down on the big leather chair  and I can honestly say it was like turning on a tap, and it all came flooding out every kind of emotion there was, that had built up for freaking years because lets face it not once had anyone ever asked me how I was doing! or how I was coping and here I was nearly 50 years old that's a whole lot of shit that needed to come out, I'm telling you!, but once I started I could not stop, that poor woman, I could see her gripping on to the side of her seat as I let it all unfurl ha! FUCKING THIS AND FUCKING THAT! It was almost like I was reliving it all, but you know what they say! sometimes you have to go back to move forward!

And OMG! the anger, it was un fooking believable, I was literally angry at the world let me see, who was first on the list, I was angry at my first partner who stole my home from underneath me, and threw me into the street with a young child, my daughter!, I was angry like really fooking angry at Agent of chaos, because I had invested over 20 years of my life and he had thrown me into the street also, with not one but two bankruptcies hanging over my head, not to mention all the abuse he had subjected me and my children to, and then of course I was angry at Captain C for all the abuse and ridicule he had also subjected me too, while also throwing me into the street!, then there was the legal system who had shown me no mercy or justice in the whole seven years I had been stuck trying to find some fooking resolve in any of the mess, that had been cast upon me! and I was angry at the Doctors that berated and belittled me in my our of need! but mostly I was angry at myself for allowing them to all abuse me! and right at that moment anger was all I had it was the only thing propping me up, as without it I do believe I would of just crumbled into dust...and that is why anger had became my BFF..

But as the session's went on and I had a few, I could see why I ended up were I did, because as I said in the book at the very beginning, my father exemplified a narcissist and the first thing my therapist said was "one of your parents was a narcissist" thank-you Jesus! I was not making this shit up, my father really was a narcissist! and then she went on to explain that is why I gravitated to men, that where of the same elk, because it was normal to me! and of course that was why I was addicted to chaos, but it didn't stop with my father my mother although she sat in the fooking shadows was indeed damaged good's herself, because she came from a dysfunctional family, where she was neglected emotionally, and apparently that's why she sought out a man like my father! that was going to keep on emotionally abusing her because what did I say? we always gravitate to what is normal to us, and then of course it went through my family like a ripple effect ...Diagnoses = BPD,  AKA Borderline personality disorder, I was no longer a cluster fuxck! I was someone with a cluster B  personality disorder, I was officially down with the sociopaths and the narcissists's ha! ...no!it is not as bad as sound's you see the psychopaths the sociopaths and the Narcs, like to inflict pain on others but with BPD  we turn our pain inwards and internalise it on ourselves, which makes us Emotional Unstable, and that is a another title for BPD the symptoms range from

 *Fear of  abandonment
 *Unstable relationships
 *Unclear self image
 *Impulsive & self-destructive behaviour
 *Self-harm
 *Extreme emotional swings
 *Chronic feelings of emptiness
 *Explosive Anger
 *Reactive
 *Sensitive to social and emotional cues especially negative one's
 *Intensely emotional
 *Lack of boundaries
 *Vengeful

All of which make it really impossible to complete schooling or learning of any kind, maintain jobs or have long lasting healthy relationships, because it effects the way you interact with people, as a lot of the time you act without thinking #No filter! And someone with theses symptoms, may experience episodes of anger, depression, anxiety, that may last a few hours or a few days holy fook that's why I could experience every emotion there was in the spate of a hour, there was no fooking about with this mental health illness ha! it is very vocal! so technically it is a bit of a cluster fxck especially when you read all of the above, but it sure did explain a lot! and all though you don't want to hear it, its' like you found the missing piece of the Jigsaw.... 


THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT 

THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT HAS NO CONSCIENCE 
AND NO FEELINGS FOR OTHERS, ESPECIALLY 
THEIR OWN CHILDREN. THE ONLY THING THAT 
MATTERS IS THEIR OWN SELFISH EGO; COERCING,
MANIPULATING, CAUSING CHAOS, AND DAMAGING
LIVES EVERYWHERE THEY GO!

-FATHER'S JUSTICE