"Fantastical"

As I said I was able to make that transition and myself and my son, moved to our new Home on the bus if you don't mind!, because by now I did not even own a car, I had always owned a car from the age of 18 and yet here I was with not even enough for my bus fare! I even had to borrow that from my mother... I thought things can only get better from here because they sure as hell cant't get any worse, famous last words ha! its me were talking about!

So I settled in, enrolled my son at the local school, which was only a stone throw away from the house...
I also registered with my local Doctors, to which I was never really away from as I said my nerves were shot and I was not sleeping particularity well, as I had visions of that two nutters I married coming to finish me off, #PTSD  I really thought things were going to get better over night, How wrong was I, mind you this never happened over night and It was not going to go away over night!
How do you undo all the abuse trauma and neglect you have suffered, from your entire adult life, this was going to be one mother fuxcking challenge if ever I encountered one! especially if you have no safety network of people, on your side, I mean I did have my mother, but she has never been any good when it comes to emotional support it was never her forte, so I guess I was relieved when woman's aid recommended a social worker at least it was someone to talk to, I did try telling my Doctors the magnitude of my problems but I was met with real hostility by a couple of them, there was one day I can recall, I went into this particular Doctors surgery and I was in a right state as I had to attend court again for the umpteenth time, and I had gone there in the hope he would give me something to calm my nerves,and of course I was wearing my sunglasses as they were my safety blanket from the world, because if I wore them I did not need to make eye contact with anyone or engage in anyway and it just made me feel a little safer, but only a person that had endured the high levels of abuse that I had would understand that! but not this fooker I entered his room, and right from the get go he was on one, well on me that is, he made some remark about removing my sun glasses in rather abrupt tone! Of course I did but I felt very violated, and he knew that, being an educated man! then of course I explained my situation and asked for something to take the edge of as I was not sleeping In fact I even asked if he could help me get out of going to court as the mere thought of it terrified me, then with that my bloody phone started ringing, "fuck fuck fuck" is what I muttered to myself as I was angry that I forgot to put it on silent, and yet all this jumped up shit could do was make reference to my swearing, "are you having a laugh I was thinking out allowed there was no way on Gods earth I was swearing at you, and for the record mate you will know when I'm swearing at you there will be no mistaking it and with that I got up and walked the fook out!
I was so hurt and inconsolable but yet again I had no one to confide in so i went home and poured myself a drink! and then another and then I opened up all the paracetamol packets I had and necked the lot! cause you see that's what you get when you go looking for help you get the fxcking door shut in your face.
Luckily I woke up the next day I was still alive in this Fxcked up place they call earth I guess they were not ready for me upstairs so I got to extend my visa per-say!

I went back to the doctors the day after that little episode but this time I got a woman Doctor, she wasn't any better  I was treated no better that a freaking pariah, I mean I just told I tied to kill myself and she said well you need to go to the city and get checked over at the Psychiatric Hospital and there is every chance you may have to stay! So i got my sorry ass on a bus my mother watched my son for me, I was nearly over two hours to get there I went in they took my details and then sent me on my way! another two hours back, WTAF is that how they treat people with mental health issues well it isn't any wonder people take their own lives, and I made a vow to myself that day no more drink no more drugs and no more trying to kill myself cause these fookers ain't worth it, so then the anger started to descend I was furious as to the way I was treated and I started to write letter's of complaints about the way I was treated and they all started to get a bit twitchy guilty conscience maybe! I even took it to the medical ombudsman but relented as they made a pitiful apology #disgusting
And then I decided to get a copy of my doctors records, I cant remember what that was for! Oh yes I was going to make a claim to the criminal injuries for all the abuse I was subjected to, well anyway I ordered a copy to add some leverage to my case well holy fook you would not believe what these two idiots had wrote about me, the male Doctor said I was Doctor shopping for drugs even though I walked out of his office with nothing, and the second doctor, you know the one that sent me on the wild goose chase to the nut house!, well she said my story was "FANTASTICAL"
See that's the thing with tourists isn't it - stupid ass holes from out of town that take pictures so the urban dictionary quotes, day trippers sightseer's, "yes to the likes of you love my life maybe seemed fantastical!, so strange or extreme that it could not be true! but let me fooking enlighten you, just cause you have not experienced it, doesn't mean it's not true, WOW! you sure would think people with closed minds would have fooking closed mouths wouldn't you?

So the next time I went to her God Damn office I made sure I buried her under a mountain of newspaper articles, and that wiped the smug smile of her face! and I as I was leaving I shouted back to her "It's pretty fantastical Isn't it thanks for the five star review love!"

Well the good thing was she referred me to a psychotherapist, so I did not need to go back to her incompetent ass, again and so my journey of recovery continued!

WHEN SURVIVORS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE TRULY
BEGIN TO VALUE THE TIME THEY HAVE IN EACH DAY
THEIR ENERGY LEVELS, EMOTIONAL STABILITY,
FINANCIAL SECURITY & OR-PHYSICAL HEALTH, THE
TRAUMA BONDING THAT OCCURS IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
BEGINS TO UNRAVEL.
ONCE A SURVIVOR LEARNS TO VALUE THEMSELVES, NO 
AMOUNT OF HOOVERING (SUCKING THEM BACK INTO THE 
DYSFUNCTION) BY AN ABUSER WILL WORK. RECOVERY 
FROM PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS A PROCESS AND HAS MANY
STAGES TO THE JOURNEY, VALUING ONESELF OVER THE DEMANDS 
OF AN ABUSER IS A VITAL STAGE IN RECOVERY. IT TAKES TIME TO
GET TO THAT POINT SO SURVIVORS SHOULD NOT FEEL COMPELLED 
TO RUSH THE PROCESS, BUT KNOW THAT BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD.

-SHANNON THOMAS