"Agent Of Change"

By now my mental health was on an all time low, but I still mustered up the strength to go to my lawyer and ask about getting the charges dropped so that Agent Of Chaos could return to the UK, of course he found this highly amusing that I would want to do this, and in his reply he basically said "It would be futile!"

I didn't particularly like my lawyer he was smug arrogant shit and reminded me of a smiling assassin,  you know the type with a permanent painted on smile aaaaahhhhhhhhhh! and all he kept saying was, "yeah you have a decree outstanding for 3.5 million pounds don't you?".... well you know what he was after don't you? a slice of the pie! greedy fecker! like I was ever going to ever see any of that money! wots wrong with people! well lawyers especially because everyone I have had always reacts the same way when they find out I have a divorce settlement for millions, they start hyperventilating! 

I did not have one decent person on my side not even my family, as they had shunned me, I felt so freaking alone, surely this could not be my life! maybe I have it mixed up with someone else's!

Nope! it was indeed my life, one where the police were never away from my door, because there was still live litigation on going with Captain C because they were still investigating him!, with regards to the sexual assaults on myself! because it turned out there was other women that had come forward because he had been inappropriate with them also, you know what, it never rained but it poured!

And of course my sister was still being a prized bitch, so much so she even got one of her religious friends to come round and verbally assault me, whilst quoting the bible, WOW! just fooking WOW! I wouldn't mind but I had been over and beyond kind to this woman also, because her son used to date my daughter, and I had got him a job within Agent of Chaos's company, where he was trained up for a career for life! and yet here she was with nothing but contempt for me! how did it come to all this why was I attracting all these toxic people? Law of attraction thing again isn't it! you feel shit so you attract shit! you expect the worst and therefore you get the worst...I really needed to change my thought process, mind you that was not going to be any time soon cause I still had a mountain of shit to wade through first! ....

Then it happened, you know that fxcking epiphany moment, I was walking through the woods one day, to which I did everyday, as there was nowhere to go living at my sisters, and I would walk round and round this circuit with nothing but my thoughts, but one particular day there was a change in energy I could feel in shift, If I'm honest I dont really know if I liked it cause it was scary! #unknown  and I could see, the fog was actually starting to lift, and there and  then It became clear that, what I was doing with regards to Agent Of Chaos, you know trying to get his charges quashed, for all the abuse on me! was fxcking insane! this man had destroyed my life, he had stole from me, broke up my family unit, abused me, and my children, had me made bankrupt twice, thrown into the street rendered homeless, and then put me out to pasture till the next mad man came along and laid claim to me AKA captain Creepy, so why was I giving him life? NO! NO! I said to myself this has to fooking stop! and stop it will!, so I called him up and told him that it was the end of the road and I would not be helping him, to be honest he didn't seem that bothered!, mind you he's a sociopath, with no real attachment to any one, why would he be at all bothered? and just screamed back "good I don't need your fooking help anyway I am planning on coming back to the UK with or without your help, In fact I already have an apartment lined up to rent so FXCK YOU!

Well that was me told! how come he always has to try and dis-empower me? it was a real game of battle of the wits with him and It always freaking was, cause for him its all about the winning!
and God help the competition!
Anyway, on a lighter note, do I do lighter notes? ha! maybe I should or could be called Agent of change! cause by fook am I ready for some!, besides that's why I took to writing about my pretty fooked up life, because I wanted to tell people about it, I wanted to make a difference, and tell the world what they need to hear! about being up close to Personality disorders!

So as I was saying on a lighter note TA DA! I had been offered, a two bedroom house from a housing association, OMG I was fooking cock a hoop!, that meant no more sleeping on my, overly accommodating sisters floor, ha! I don't think I had been this happy in a long time, mind you now that I come to think of it, I will still be sleeping on the floor because I have no furniture, due to the fact Captain C burnt it all! everything is all ways real bittersweet for me isn't it?, there is always some fooking dark shadow, blocking out that little rays of sunshine that I am sent, as there is always a constant reminder of all the shit decisions I have made! ... Saying that I think that I had spoke to soon, as there so happened to be a flip side, because you know how Captain C had been very vocal about destroying all my belongings via FB, well, turns out the police could for fooking once, able to corroborate my story and I was allowed to get a social grant award from the local authorities for furniture, this consisted of all the basics, cooker, beds, fridge and some bedding & flooring, I mean it wasn't great, but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth when you have nothing but the clothes you stand up in! I was truly grateful! because now I could make that transition and officially move to my new home  ... why I do believe the universe is really trying to speak to me!,and make sure I am not going to be a repeat offender this time round! well you can be sure of that, I for one have learnt if nothing out of this sorry mess of being homeless, a woman should never have to depend upon anyone for a roof over head and I can whole hardheartedly say lesson learnt!

SOMETIMES WE REFUSE TO SEE HOW BAD
SOMETHING REALLY IS UNTIL IT HAS
COMPLETELY DESTROYED US.

-QUOTED DIARY.ME