Bankrupt Coked Up And Fxxked Up

CLUSTER-FXCK - a term  used when a multiple things have gone wrong ........ A bit like my life really, but having been referred to a therapist was about to change all that, don't get me wrong I kinda knew everything that had happened to me was not normal, and in a sense fantastical! as that rather ignorant Doctor stated, but I was actually going to get some validation on the matter and that was a crucial part of my healing process! ... So my appointment was made and along I went, my therapist was female, and she was very quiet, maybe too quiet but I suppose it does help, to make you a good listener as that qualities are key, when assisting people with mental health problems, I just went in, and sat down on the big leather chair  and I can honestly say it was like turning on a tap, and it all came flooding out every kind of emotion there was, that had built up for freaking years because lets face it not once had anyone ever asked me how I was doing! or how I was coping and...

As I said I was able to make that transition and myself and my son, moved to our new Home on the bus if you don't mind!, because by now I did not even own a car, I had always owned a car from the age of 18 and yet here I was with not even enough for my bus fare! I even had to borrow that from my mother... I thought things can only get better from here because they sure as hell cant't get any worse, famous last words ha! its me were talking about! So I settled in, enrolled my son at the local school, which was only a stone throw away from the house... I also registered with my local Doctors, to which I was never really away from as I said my nerves were shot and I was not sleeping particularity well, as I had visions of that two nutters I married coming to finish me off, #PTSD  I really thought things were going to get better over night, How wrong was I, mind you this never happened over night and It was not going to go away over night! How do you undo all the abuse trauma ...

By now my mental health was on an all time low, but I still mustered up the strength to go to my lawyer and ask about getting the charges dropped so that Agent Of Chaos could return to the UK, of course he found this highly amusing that I would want to do this, and in his reply he basically said "It would be futile!" I didn't particularly like my lawyer he was smug arrogant shit and reminded me of a smiling assassin,  you know the type with a permanent painted on smile aaaaahhhhhhhhhh! and all he kept saying was, "yeah you have a decree outstanding for 3.5 million pounds don't you?".... well you know what he was after don't you? a slice of the pie! greedy fecker! like I was ever going to ever see any of that money! wots wrong with people! well lawyers especially because everyone I have had always reacts the same way when they find out I have a divorce settlement for millions, they start hyperventilating!  I did not have one decent person on my side...

So off I trot back to the UK God Knows what shit awaits me!, I actually thought going on that little trip was going to sort my head out I must of been fooking deranged, because I came back even more fooking confused than what I went, Mind you I had just been staying with The Agent of Chaos for nearly three weeks It wasn't any wonder my head was fooking minced!and besides, this was the man that had subjected me to terrible abuse over the years and threatened my life on many occasion, so it isn't any wonder my head was done in! Anyway, I make my way back to Gin Joint girls, I come laden with duty free, she's not in the slightest bit grateful, but never mind, entitled people never are! or am a sensing an atmosphere! yeah that's more like it, something is going down here, and of course she is sitting an the fence and doesn't have the ball's to say it!, so she gets one of her minions to come to the house and tell me that she wants me to leave! I mean that was fa...

Any hoo, I've touched down, in uncharted territory fook knows wot awaits..... just a taxi and a driver by all accounts, there is no sign of Agent of Chaos, or my son so we go on a 25 min taxi run and eventually we turn up at some mad bar where Agent of chaos and my son are hanging out with his bottom feeder mates, well I don't want to go to a rowdy bar with my youngest son so I ask my elder son to take us to where we are staying, holly shit! when I walk into this apartment it is like nothing I have seen in my life and there is not even a sheet on any of the beds! wtaf! all the mattresses look like they should all been turfed out or set on fire!, fucking hell! what the hell happened? how could he go from his millionaire lifestyle to this? I did wonder if he had done this purposely though to make it look like he had no money, because lets face it he did run of  with my 3.5 million divorce settlement, and why was he even there? because last thing I knew was he was living in ...

So I'm back on that treadmill, running hard and fast but never actually getting anywhere!, revisiting old ground and making the same fooking mistakes over and over again, you do know if you don't learn your lessons this time round on earth you will be sent back to fooking learn them all over again don't you! Please God give me the strength, the foresight, and the wisdom! to do so because I cant come back and relive all this again! That's the thing though, I wasn't ready to redeem my self I wanted to plunder on and fook it up a bit more ha! I've always been a slow learner comes of being a Capricorn, you know, ruled by Saturn the slowest moving planet that there is, we get there in the end but by fook wot a lot of shit we put ourselves through!, but by the end of it we are very wise, it isn't any wonder, ha! but that's usually because we have endured everything there is to endure! 10 tens over ha!  cause we keep going back just to see if we get a differe...

As you can imagine living in my particular town was like living in a gold fish bowl, the police at the door all the time, for one thing and another Captain C was accusing me of something different every other day it was unbearable, he was even going around telling every one I broke in to his home, and smeared my own shit all over his walls! and the next thing his dog died and I was being blamed for that also, I mean WTAF! and that's why I pleaded with them to check his police records for other misdemeanours that he had done, but they said "well you have left him now! there is nothing to concern yourself with!" dumb fooks! look at the statistics, your the mother fookers that are always asking for proof! that's when must women are killed is when they leave their abuser! OMFG! what is wrong with the police? they have no hesitation to turn up, evey five fooking mins to me, and accuse me all sorts, and  yet they believe,the likes of Captain C at the drop of a hat! no wo...

So as you can imagine I am now the talk of the town cause the idiot just has to run his mouth all over Social media, well that and the fact that people have noticed the business has shut down! And of course I am front page news in the freaking newspapers! So of course I'm not feeling particularly good about myself, vibrating at a low level of course and attracting other low vibrating people who you think want to help but they are sick individuals and see your life as a form of entertainment because as you know I attract high levels of drama, and they want a slice of the action, because their lives a relatively boring! I am actually talking about a woman who I thought, wanted to befriend me but she was just another opportunist, preying on the vulnerable. For talking sake we will call her Gin Joint Girl cause lets just say she was partial to the odd bottle or two a night ha!... Anyway I didn't have many friends, you never really do when your in and out of abusive relations...

OK so I guess this is an obligatory post ha! since everyone else is getting their ten pence worth out there, the "Corona Virus" well, I dare say its very real, I shan't deny that! but really is there any need to to instil fear, panic and dread, into people? No none at all, and that's why something about this whole charade stinks! I do believe I covered this in a Social Science class at Uni and they called it mass control it's a mind control technique, keeping people in a constant state of agitation, worry, and fear sound familiar?.  And I don't need to tell you the next bit, but I'm going to anyway! this comes about, because our high heed yins! Do not need a nation of educated people or more to the point enlightened, because like shit the truth always floats to the top! And god forbid! we can not have that .....because a Woke nation can not be controlled by the elements of fear! As I mentioned in my book mind control and sociopathy, are kind...

well obviously Captain Cunto! is not going to play ball!and give me back my vehicle or any of my belongings, hes's a narcissist  what can you expect?...it gives him that little bit more power knowing he is holding on to things that I want, you know like a serial killer withholding information about where they have buried the corpses of their victim's, because they know its there last little bit of power they yield and they ain't surrendering that info for no fooker yep! we got you! profiled mother fookers! # personality disorders, at their finest! So if Mohammed wont come to the mountain I guess 'll have to fooking go to him! I know not for the faint hearted! It was actually a Friday night and myself and my daughter had decided to go out for a drink, Where was Captain C I here you ask! well he was home apparently, but he had been sending me coercive messages all night saying how he was going to destroy, all my things that I had left there, and If I did not come and ...

This is my second attempt to write this post as the first time I tried I some how managed to delete all my work # Mercury retrograde, your getting the blame anyway ha! You know, I have been abused by two types of abusers, The Sociopath and the Narcissist, and I can tell you first hand that their type of abuse is very different! OK, so they are both relatively, charismatic, I was going to say intelligent, but that's debatable lol! selfish, unreliable, dishonest, and dangerous! Always justified, and always deny! deny! deny! and therefore take no responsibility for their behaviour, both have an over inflated self image and a massive sense of entitlement!. And although they give the impression they have the necessary emotional reactions this is just an illusion, ha! as they lack real empathy and real emotional responsiveness. And for the record a sociopath can have narcissistic traits, but a narcissist can not be a sociopath! right, so whats the key differences! well the so...

The end was extremely fucking neigh, I think it was fair to say! and to be honest I have only skimmed the surface with the abuse I endured at this man hands, cause lets face it, nobody wants to be burdened with anymore low vibrating details so I will carry on with story in hand! besides there is shit loads more of hapless stuff, Captain Creepy did! that I haven't covered yet ha! So as you can imagine, I have now reached my point of no return! so I wait for him to go off to work mind you his jobs were getting less and less away, so it was getting harder for me to plan my exit, and that was because every job he went to he upset people so he was never ever given a contract of any kind, or asked back come to think of it! I wonder why? And while he was a away I chose my moment packed my bags all that I could carry that is, and moved in to my daughters flat! And battened down the hatches and waited for the onslaught, cause lets face it we knew there was going to be repercussions! I...

To leave somewhere immediately to evacuate or scram..... And that is exactly what I did, I went to my sisters house as that was where my mother was staying with my son, what the hell was I doing?, obviously I could not leave things as they were as I was still very invested in the business we shared, so I went to work the next day it was awful having to pretend everything was OK, but I did it .. and then he called me! and said that I could still run the business, and that he would not make any difference to me!, and suggested for me to go round so we could speak about it all, and stupidly I did and whilst I was there I  nipped to the toilet and left my bag unattended and he must of gone through my phone, and seen a message to a male friend that I had, so when I came out of the toilet he was standing at the toilet door and he just lost his shit! there was obviously a scuffle I fell to the ground and next minute I'm being dragged down the stairs by my hair then before I know it, h...

I could fill page upon page about Captain C's sleazy debauched fooking ways it never ended it was constantly on tap. I remember one particular day taking the train into the City for a day out, as painful as it was, yep there was a reason we went by rail instead of car, because the last time, we did we ended up at the police station, because the fooking bam! only yanked the electronic arm out of its fittings, at the multi storey car park, because he could not get his ticket to work so it would raise up to let his car out so he just obliterated it! and threw it to fook! ha! and then of course got charged with vandalism! and I had to go and do a plea of mitigation, on his behalf down at the cop shop, that was not the only incident I had to mitigate on his behalf there were numerous incident's with my neighbours, my family, and any friends I had, Oh! and how could I forget about the incident where I Had to get him a solicitor because he had umpteen parking tickets which he s...